I felt very unworthy of love this weekend.
I harbored negative thoughts, bitterness and resentment in my heart. I spoke out in anger. I pouted. I burrowed my brow and squeezed my eyes shut, thinking proud thoughts about myself and untrue thoughts about my husband. (This was all over something incredibly ridiculous and of little importance, mind you.)
I was in the middle of complaining to God when the Holy Spirit slapped me upside the head and said LAURA, those thoughts are NOT of the Lord! I stopped, and considered the hurtful lies that I was allowing myself to believe. God was right. Satan was tempting me to think less of Andy, to disrespect him, to hold him in contempt. Satan saw an opportunity to tempt me, and I had given in.
I was so ashamed of myself. After all the progress I had made to be the kind of wife who sees the best in her husband, I fell back into my old ways. What did God think of me? What did Andy think of me? They must have been so disappointed, so frustrated. I let them down.
Thankfully, my husband is a loving man, and he accepted my apology with tender mercy. He rubbed my back as I clung to him, and we eventually fell asleep.
But before I made things right with Andy, I repented to my Father. Sometimes I imagine him shaking his head at me in a "I know you can do better, why must you fight it" type of way. I can't snuggle up to my Heavenly Father, but I can rest in his love, in his mercy, and in his forgiveness.
I can trust that God has loved me since the very beginning - since before I was even in my mother's womb. I can trust that He rejoices over me, even though I am a sinner.
The best part of being forgiven is that it's over. When God forgives us, He doesn't hold our sin against us. Hopefully our Christian family/friends will forgive us in the same way. When you're forgiven, you should be able to rest in the knowledge that you've righted yourself with God.
Is there anything going on in your life that you need to ask God's forgiveness for?
love you,
L
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